Archives of The Cold Blooded News

The Newsletter of the Colorado Herpetological Society

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You May Be a Herper If..

• your mother has never owned an old pillowcase.
• every vehicle you own has a snake bag in it.
• you use the word "shed" a lot and aren't referring to an outbuilding on your property.
• you talk with a lisp due to years of chatting with your snake.
• you bend over to look under rocks in the park while your refrigerator repairman's crack is hanging out.
• you carry moisture mist and spray yourself 3 times a day.
• you stop in a pet stores just to look at the reptiles and end up buying a fake plant for a buck so you don't look stupid.
• you spent you last dollar on a reptile book and you don't get paid for another week.
• you drive an hour to a zoo just to visit the reptiles and buy a reptile shirt to wear tomorrow.
• the only "meat" in your freezer is "rodentia".
• your freezer contains more dead mice than ice cream.
• a bug lands near you and you lick your lips.
• you buy 40W, 75W, and 100W bulbs by the case, but hardly ever any 60W.
• you keep your apartment at a constant 85°F, with lights pointed at the couch to make a 95°F basking spot.
• you find yourself lurking on sci.bio.entymology to pick up cuisine tips.
• your linen closet has about three times as many pillowcases as sheets.
• you don't count your mice when you tell friends what and how many animals you own.
• you judge the quality of a garage sale by the potential herp housing units for sale.
• you get extremely frustrated when the narrator on a wildlife show doesn't identify the prey of the secretary bird/kookaburra/roadrunner/mongoose, etc.
• you get regular shipments from you post office and your postman just rings the doorbell, drops the box, and runs like hell.
• you make your yearly vacation plans around when litters are ready to hatch/be born and everyone you know says "why on earth do you want to go on vacation in august every year??"
• losing electrical power at any time of the year is a MAJOR crisis.
• your spouse/guests tiptoe in to check on the baby Northern Blue Tongues every night just to "see how cute they are sleeping."
• you watch "crocodile Dundee", "raiders of the lost ark," etc., etc., and always root for the reptiles instead of the hero.
• you get a sunburn and worry that your shed isn't coming off in one piece.
• you've sold your soul to your produce manager in exchange for dandelion greens.
• you sleep on the couch, but have a lovely reptile setup in the bedrooms.
• the words "Avon calling!" cause your Nile monitor to salivate.
• you've said "are aquariums all right?" to a prospective landlord and own no fish.
• you have a sign that says "warning, dangerous reptiles inside!" anywhere on your front door.
• you find yourself saying: AAAARRRG, another little rat got out, get him, get him...dough!
• a witty woman says to you: is that a snake in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me, and you reply: happy to see you? ha!
• you posted any messages recently about how to smuggle herps through the airport.
• you are watching Clash of the Titans with your friends, and after fighting all those nasties, you call the hero a wimp, afraid of a harmless PYTHON.
• you think Monty Python's quest was for mice on ice, grail optional.
• you are constantly buying aquarium thermometers, yet no fish food.
• you constantly complain that the "fangs" show gives whatever animal they're talking about a really bad name. Sharks, snakes, etc.
• your friends are constantly asking what are all those little holes in your fingers?