The Cold Blooded News The Newsletter of the Colorado Herpetological Society Volume 28, Number 6;   June, 2001

Alligator Hunter Slain by Rodent

Stevens had allegedly been feeding illicit live mice to his numerous and deadly snakes, lizards, alligators and crocodiles. All of them had been used to getting pre-killed rodents, said Stevens' houseboy, Blaine Macnamara.

"Irwin just couldn't resist giving them a tease-treat now and again," Macnamara declared in a formal statement to the press. "He couldn't get enough spice in his life, that was the long and short of it. Crikey, he went out with a bang, didn't he?"

The houseboy discovered Stevens' lifeless cadaver in the morning, as he brought him his daily tea and scones. The reptile tracker had apparently been deceased for several hours, and was still clutching a snake stick, apparently attempting to wield it as a weapon against his minute assailant.

Reptile experts from around the world chimed in with their praise -- and blame -- for Stevens, who is known as a champion of reptiles and amphibians around the world.

"He was the best advocate for reptiles that we had," mourned a spokesman for the Municipal Zoo at lckworth, Australia. "Now he's gone. We should have had him cloned."

Others were not as sympathetic to Stevens' downfall. "Every schoolboy herpetologist knows that you shouldn't feed your snakes live mice," said John Holmes, spokesman for Southwestern Herpetologists Society and chair of their adoptions program. "If the little *** can turn on the snakes and inflict injuries on them, who's to say that they won't turn on others as well?"

Authorities were still determining the exact cause of death, but rumors were widespread that there was one mouse left found running around in Stevens' bedroom with bloodstained claws and a savage gleam in his eye. Stevens himself was covered in small puncture wounds and resembled a large biscuit that had had all the edges chewed off.

"It was a bit of a mess, really," one policeman remarked to the press. "We had to cart him out in pieces. Let that be a lesson to all."

Stevens' passing is remarkable in another way, since he was famous for having survived attacks by pit vipers, bites by alligators and a celebrated altercation with a Komodo dragon, after which he received 4000 stitches.

"He didn't fare so well this time."

Authorities ask that any remembrances be sent to the SWHS Newsletter Editor, Sharon King, who will forward them on to the appropriate fund.

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